I've Got This Stupid Death Wish
by PicassoPenguin
Summary: What if Season Three Episode 13 Attack on Gorilla City had ended differently? What if Cisco's plan has been the only one? I wasn't sure what to rate this, but there is a major character death!
1. Chapter 1

**A\N Honestly, I must have a stupid death wish myself writing this story. Please don't kill me! This story is all about what would have happened if things had gone differently during the episode "Attack on Gorilla City" in Season 3. I wasn't sure what to rate this, because it has a MAJOR character death, so you have been warned! I hope none of you are too deeply attached to Cisco . . .**

 **Cisco's POV**

I feel dazed. Standing in my cell, I look out the tiny barred window. After years of feeling pushed aside, I'm wanted, NEEDED.

By a killer gorilla. Just great.

I hear rustling over by Caitlynn, and when I look over, we've got Harry back! I have never felt so happy to see him. The good news even takes over the parts of my mind thinking about my plan. My exceedingly morbid plan.

"Snow?" Harry asks, looking up in surprise.

Caitlynn leans over him. "Are you okay?"

Harry groans and rolls over, then responds, "I have a headache, I guess and. . . " He leans over and sniffs himself.

I helpfully consider warning him, (I mean, I've only been here a day, and already smell like gorilla poo-doo) but by the time I've opened my mouth, Harry is already overpowered.

"Oh. Urgggh, I smell . . . Ooph."

Caitlynn offers him a wry but thankful smile. "That counts as okay."

As Harry hurriedly starts asking questions about Jessie, I look out the window again. I have an amazing view. . . Into the gladiator pit. I can see gorillas posting four big stakes out in the arena. Why aren't there five of them, if they are most likely for our imminent torture and execution? Not that I'm that interested in the details, thank you very much. Then I remember. I'm going to have to watch my friends die without me, because I am SPECIAL. Never has that thought put such a bad taste in my mouth. Right here and now, I promise I will not never see that happen. Either because we all have escaped, or . . .

I'm torn from my thoughts by hearing my name.

"Barry, Cisco, you guys all came for me!" Harry finishes, looking at me.

I smirk, but there's a tinge of defeat to it. "A city of evil genius apes? Sounded like fun." Planet of the Apes. Come ON, Ramon, you should have known.

Harry offers me a grim smile as he gets back to business and stands, brushing himself off. Oh, man, I really have missed him after dealing with H. R. . I mean, the guy did throw my stuff everywhere, but I respect his intellect. H. R. couldn't even remember a PIN number. His optimism grows on you, I suppose, but he still makes me want to start throwing stuff myself on a daily basis.

Harry continues, "Well, I don't deserve it, but thank you, Snow, thank you, Barry, Cisco," he nods to us each in turn, then looks in confusion at Julian. " . . . Indiana. "

I would burst out laughing were it not for the fact that I am in the same cell as the said interestingly dressed person, who I would not put passed punching me. Also there is the whole doom and gloom factor still hanging over the room. So I merely smile and nod in appreciation. Say what you want, but I can hold my tongue from time to time. Sort of.

Julian takes it just as well as I expected. He moves forward to the bars, summoning as much heat in his voice as he can, and says, "It's Julian Albert, thank you, and I came along for . . ." He looks at Caitlynn.

I raise my eyebrow. I'm not stupid. It's obvious that Julian cares for Caitlynn, or at least obvious to everyone but her. I see her looking at him curiously. I've worked with Caitlynn for a long time, and she's like my sister. Don't you dare break my Caitlynn's heart, Julian. I will hurt you. From the dead, if I have to.

Julian appears to chicken out. "I live for danger," he finishes, rather lamely if you ask me.

Wells, who has of course missed out on all the Julian drama, simply nods politely, and says, "Well, it looks like you came to the right place." I didn't know Harry had it in him.

Barry, who had been rattling his bars, sighed, and sits on his cell's floor. "I still can't phase through the bars. We have to find a way out of here so we can stop him," he says. For one of the few times in Barry Allen's life, he sounds discouraged.

Julian, ever the pessimist, flares at Barry. "You keep saying that, but what if we can't get out? What if we're stuck here; what if this is the way that we . . . "

Barry interrupts him quickly, but we all hear the unfinished question ringing through our heads. _What if this is the way that we die?_ Thanks for being so positive in my final moments, Julian.

Barry continues, "Well, we can't think like that. While there's life, there's hope."

Well, that's about as good an opening as any. So I speak up, looking back out the window throughout, "And if there isn't life?"

Everyone turns to look at me. Barry spins so fast that if he didn't have super speed, I'd think he'd have whiplash.

He looks at me concerned, as he asks the question, " What is that supposed mean? "

And here comes the part where they completely hate this plan. Heck, I hate it myself. You see, I have this one crazy principle that insists I dislike any plan that involves my death. Deep breathe, Ramon. And . . . Talk.

"Grodd needs me to open a breach so he can attack Earth One." I give Barry a " duh" look and continue, "What if I wasn't alive to do that?"

Caitlynn looks startled. She raised an eyebrow and asks, "You planning on dying?"

I give her my own eyebrow raise, give a sort of half snort, half sigh, and then reply, "Only if you kill me."

Now Caitlynn really looks taken aback. I hate doing this to my best friend.

My other best friend is not taking this seriously. Barry makes an impolite noise.

I surprise myself and start defending my own murder. " Look, this is something we have to consider. Right now, I can't think of any other way to stop him; he'd have no other way of getting to Central City. "

Julian nods next to me. He says, "He's right. Cisco's death would change the newspaper headline in the future."

Harry looks confused, a new expression for him. "Headlines?"

Caitlynn looks at him apologetically, and whispers, "It's a long story."

Even though I know this plan needs to happen, to save lives, Mr. Pessimist doesn't need to sound so positive about this. I was hoping for some of _"We can't kill Cisco," "We'd be lost without him," " Cisco's my best friend, "_ and so on and so forth. At least I have a supporter, I suppose.

Or maybe not. Julian keeps talking. "But it would also make another come true. The one about. . . Killer Frost."

Leave it to Mr. Albert to find the one hole in my plan.

Caitlynn does a double take and swivels to me, her eyes as big as saucers. She points to herself. "You want . . . me. . . to kill you?"

Yup. I officially hate myself.

"


	2. Chapter 2

**A\N I am so so so sorry I haven't updated lately! I have .to be one of the most sporadic fanfiction writers in the history of the world! I tried something called National Novel Writing Month in November, (It's awesome, you should try it!), but it took up a lot of my time!**

 **Review Responses:**

 **Guest: Yeah, you're not the only one! Cisco's my favorite character in the Flash, but as long as it doesn't actually happen, it's rather fun to write him in traumatizing situations!**

 **YarrtheWriter: Thanks for the feedback! It you could be a little more specific in how I could improve the story, I'd deeply appreciate it!**

 **WestAllen4eva14: Thanks! I'm sorry, I can't make any promises regarding Cisco's wellbeing at the end of this story!**

 **Also, note, I can live with flame reviews to my stories, but no spam please! Thank you!**

 **Hope you enjoy this rather long chapter! Merry Christmas!**

When I make myself speak, it is in a sober tone. "Think about it. Grodd doesn't know you have cold powers; you might be able to use them."

Harry is in for a lot of surprises today. He looks at Caitlynn in confusion.

"Cold powers?"

Caitlynn's eyes sort of widen, and she tilts her head at him, as if to say, "For better or for worse."

Harry is clearly still boggled, because he keeps asking the same question. "She . .you have cold powers? I **knew** it, I knew that you and I," he points to me, " did not get Barry out of that mirror. "

I smile small at him and nod. Fond memories. I wonder what happens to memories when you die.

Julian gives me an angry look. What is that for?

Then he starts talking in his 'absolutely not' voice, speaking to Caitlynn. How do I know he has one of those? Because that's about the only time he ever uses. When he's talking to me, that is.

"Hold on, now, wait, Caitlynn, if you kill someone, there's no going back! You'll be Killer Frost for the rest of your life! Now, I did not come all this way to see that happen."

Now, if I were my usual self, I would either clap Julian on the back and say, "My man!" , or utter some nothing about romantic tension. But right now, I'm too busy worrying about my plan and Caitlynn. So my eyes just bug out a little bit.

Caitlynn, on the other hand, looks like she just got hit over the head with a hammer. She quickly recovers enough to raise an eyebrow and ask the crucial question.

"Did you come here because you 'live for danger' . . . Or to protect me?"

Julian seems to realize what he just said, and quickly stammers, "I . . . I just don 't want you to become something you're not." By the time he's finished, Julian is blushing. BLUSHING.

Caitlynn continues to look shocked for a couple seconds. Then she appears to clear her head by shaking it.

"Okay, Cisco, I'm not going to kill you, and neither is anyone else. So let's just come up with the next best plan that doesn't involve murdering one of our friends!"

One the one hand, I'm happy no one wants to just go along with this plan. On the other hand, seriously, people! My life is not worth thousands of civilians! I raise my hand and drop it in exasperation.

Barry raises his head. What he says is not at all what I was expecting.

"No, Cisco's right," Barry says. " It's the only way. One of us has to die. "

Then he gives me a look. "But it will NOT be you."

I immediately start to argue. "Oh, come on. You do not ALWAYS get to be the heroic sacrifice. Besides, unless you missed it, this plan only works if I die!"

Barry gets up off his cell floor and starts to pace.

"No, Cisco, we just need to convince Grodd that . . ." His foot lands in a pile of unspeakable as he walks. Barry slips and falls. The crack as his head hits concrete echoes through the cells.

"Barry, are you okay?" I ask quickly. No response.

Julian and I press against our bars, trying to get through and shake him for a response.

On the other side, Caitlynn and Harry are having better results.

Caitlynn manages to reach Barry's wrist through her bars, and she quickly checks his pulse. She looks up at us and nods. "He's alive at least. Good, strong pulse. He's most likely just knocked out cold, possibly with a concussion."

I can't help whispering to myself, "Come on, bro. All those meta-criminals we took down, and you got defeated by . . ." I look over at what Barry stepped on. ". . .a pile of gorilla poodoo."

Julian cocks his head to the side, saying "Is now really the time, Ramon?"

But his voice quickly changes. It becomes deeper, more creepy.

I back away from Julian. "Hello, Grodd."

Julian's face has contorted into something terrifying, and his words are even worse.

"Hello, Vibe. I have a final message, but not for you."

Julian turns his head.

"Caitlynn."

He stares at her. She looks scared but firm.

"I offer you a choice. You always treated me kindly, as more than animal. Even after your betrayal, you may live if you join with gorilla kind."

Caitlynn's voice is like steel as she asks, "What will happen to my friends?"

"Flash and the Man who looks like but is not Father must die. Vibe will open breach, then die. Other man? I not know him, but he trespasser. He will also die."

Caitlynn's voice softens. "Grodd, I treated you the way I did because of kindness. This is not kindness. You are so intelligent, and want to be human. Be HUMANE, Grodd, and show you can be different! Show you can be like a human with compassion and mercy!"

Julian/Grodd shakes his head. "Gorilla way kill or be killed. What will you choose?"

Caitlynn sadly looked into Julian/Grodd's eyes. "I will not join you, Grodd. Goodbye." I can see her pain as she stares at Julian when he's not himself.

Julian/Grodd begins to shake in anger. "Very well. You have made your choice. Execution will occur in one hour. At sunset."

Julian collapses.

I groan. We're out of time.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-

After ten minutes of silence, during which the only think that happens is that Julian comes to himself again, Harry asks,

"Okay, what's the plan?" I'm surprised to find him looking at me.

"Who, me?" I ask.

"Yes, you. I think we're all in agreement."

He looks around, and to my surprise, everyone nods. Even Julian.

"You're the leader, Cisco, at least till Barry comes back."

I shake my head, frowning.

"I'm really sorry guys, but I don't have a plan. For anyone's survival. I'm not Barry."

I gesture to my best friend, lying knocked out in his cell.

"The closest thing I've got is the plan I already told you. Clearly, Barry had a plan, but none of us have a clue what that was. And I don't think we can afford to wait until he wakes up. Sooo. . .I need people's opinions."

Caitlynn's in tears. "You don't deserve this, Cisco. Not after everything."

"And you don't deserve to be executed by angry gorillas. But I'm pretty sure no matter how powerful you are, you couldn't take them all. And that's ignoring the Killer Frost issue! I don't know how to get any of us out of here alive. All I know is I will NOT let Grodd use me. And this is the only way I can see to make sure he won't be able to."

Julian slowly stands, having recovered from Grodd's possession, but not taking any chances.

"Cisco, as terrible as this plan is, it really is practical. But what about Caitlynn? She is the woman I have come to . . . Respect. Deeply. And Killer Frost is not that woman."

I look him in the eye. "You seem to have a deeply positive affect on her. And I approve. So that will just have to be enough. You really aren't close enough in these cells to kiss or anything."

Caitlynn blushes, glares and says, "Cisco!"

Julian also glares and leans toward me, cheeks red amd fists balled.

"That was. . . That was uncalled for! And I won't let Caitlynn do this! She will not bear the death of her best friend on her hands!"

Caitlynn turns away from me, still red in the face, and says,

"Excuse me, Mr. "Indiana Jones", how is it up to you what I do and do not do?"

But I can see the fear in her eyes.

I sigh tiredly. "Does anyone have a better idea?

Both Harry and Caitlynn reluctantly shake their heads.

Just as reluctantly, Julian nods.

"Well, sort of," he says, backing away from me, hands in the air.

"Now, hear me out, Cisco. We have Barry, Caitlynn, Harry, myself and you in these cells. If someone's going to . . . Well, kill you, Barry can't do it. He's out cold. Harry is out of reach of you and Caitlynn has the Killer Frost issue. We all refuse to make you kill yourself. That leaves . . .me."

"We're in the same cell. I could kill you. But it wouldn't be as painless as the other option."

He advances toward me quickly and wraps his fingers around his throat.

I immediately throw my hands up, grasping his, and commence choking. But Julian lets go just as quickly and steps back again.

I continue to cough for several seconds. Then I slowly say, "Well, that's definitely an option."

Julian almost looks apologetic!

"Yes," he says gingerly, clutching his hands behind his back. "Far from painless really. "

I massage my throat, feeling Julian's fingers on it over and over.

On the one hand, I hate this idea. I'm already volunteering to get myself killed. I thought at least that one blast from Caitlynn's cold powers would be relatively quick and painless. And I resent the idea that my last few minutes on this earth would be so agonizingly painful.

I fiddle nervously with my hair, something I haven't done since I was a teen.

On the other hand, these are going to be my last few minutes on this earth. What difference does it make if they're kind of painful? And if this way will keep Caitlynn sane, it'll be worth it.

So I do the toughest thing I've ever done in my life.

I nod.

"Okay, Julian. That sounds like a plan."

Caitlynn is as pale as ice, and it has nothing to do with Killer Frost. A few tears slip down her white face. Her mouth opens and shuts a few times, and then she says,

"I. . . I'll do it. I won't let you feel pain. It'll be better this way."

Julian and I shake our heads together. Hey, it's one of the first times we've ever agreed on anything.

I quickly open my mouth before Julian can say something simultaneously brash and overprotective. "No, Caitlynn. Please. Don't judge Julian for this, and don't do this yourself. I want it this way. I couldn't stand it if you got hurt. "

Harry has been quiet far too long. I don't think I've ever heard him shut up for such an extended period of time. Now I realize he's been over thinking like always as he says, "I . . . I just can't think of any alternatives. What good has my brilliant brain done in this situation? I shouldn't have ever come to investigate. This is all my fault, and Jesse. . . "

I don't know how to help. He's kinda right.

To my utter surprise, Julian swoops in. "Hey. We decided to cone here and rescue you. That isn't your fault. And Cisco is choosing this. To be a hero."

I could blush. Instead I add, "I'm sorry, Harry. I don't know how to get you home to Jesse. All I can promise is that she'll be safe. The gorillas will never take her. "

Harry nods. "That's enough. Thank you, Cisco. And. . .thank you. For . . .the pleasure of working with you."

Figures that Harry would say something so stiff and formal.

"Yeah. Thanks for shoving all my stuff on the floor and for your sunshiny attitude." I show I'm joking with a smile

"You were amazing to work with once you got over yourself, Harry. I wouldn't change a thing."

I think back to the awesome day when I asked him whether he'd had his coffee that morning. I can almost hear his voice saying "Don't slurp. Don't. . ."

And so to finish off our friendship in perfect way, I look at Harry in the eye and loudly make an obnoxious slurping noise.

He cracks a smile.

I turn to Caitlynn to say goodbye, but I can't. I can't force myself to say some hollow words. Fortunately I prepared for this incident.

"Guys. . .I can't tell you how much you mean to me. But I tried. There's a letter tucked in a secret compartment in the base of the mannequin that holds Barry's suit. Just press the base and say, "I open at the close." Why did l hide it?I didn't want my team mates knowing I wrote one and thinking I was morbid.

Harry smiles sadly. "A fandom easter egg, Ramon?"

I shrug. "In case you haven't heard, I just love a good pop culture reference in a moment of crisis."

I continue, " And there's one for my family on my work desk. Make sure they get it, will you?"

They all nod.

Caitlynn blows me a kiss, tears streaming down her face. A wisp of cool air touches my cheek.

I breathe deeply in and out. Then I turn and face Julian.

"Okay. Do it."

He hesitates for a split second, but then reaches out again.

His fingers around my throat. . .

You know how people talk about their lives flashing before their eyes? Well I finally get it.

All of the sudden I see myself in a blue vortex, with scenes from my life flashing by. It's kind of like how Barry described the speed force.

There's cute little four year old me, coding my first program. I see Dante in the background, playing the piano. Mom and Dad stand around him, laughing and clapping.

Now I'm in grade school, getting a swirly from that jerk, Jake Puckett.

I see my crush, Melinda Tores, from high school, but Dante has his arm around her waist. She has tears in her eyes when she looks at me.

There I am, meeting Harrison Wells for the first time after college, and the despicable Hartley Rathway.

Air gone. . .

Things speed up from here.

Meeting Caitlynn and Ronnie. . .

The particle accelerator explosion. . .

Meeting Barry. . .

Fighting meta criminals and kicking butt. . .

Nicknames. . .

My vibe powers. . .

Dante's death. . .

Reverse Flash, Zoom, Savatar. . .

And then everything slows down.

For what feels like forever, all I see is deep brown eyes, wild flowing hair, and a fitted black jumpsuit.

"Gypsy." The words gasp from between my lips.

 _What could we have had?_

Breathless pain.

And then I feel it. A blast of icey cold, straight to my middle.

Darkness.

 **A/N Anyone who can figure out where the fandom reference Cisco made about his letter came from gets Internet imaginary cookies! Merry Christmas!**

 **P.S. Sorry about the depressing ending! [Well, not really. ; ) ]**


End file.
